Tuesday, June 21, 2016

What if sappy organic food marketing stories were on other products?

Regardless of where you stand on the benefits of organic food, one thing's clear: The notes from the product's founder or executive found on so many products are mind-numbingly sappy.

So sappy that most of these short stories could seamlessly sub in for almost any episode of Shimmer and Shine. (But not Caillou. That show advocated putting carrots on pizza in one episode. I wish I were kidding.)

Want a taste? (Of the sap, not the pizza carrots. No one wants those.) Just from two products around the house:

From a bag of cookies, shown in a fake script font over an image of a notepad:
One rainy morning, I awoke with the urge to bake a new cookie. ... Using a teaspoon I placed the cookie dough on the sheet and put them in the oven. Instantly the kitchen was filled with the aroma of sweet coconut, transporting me to a warm island beach. 

And from a bag of tortilla chips:
During a cross-country family road trip the final recipes for these organic multigrain chips were tested and the winner was chosen. 
Not every organic product has these, of course, and most also have the standard marketing spiel you see almost everywhere. But so many seem to be going for the vibe of personal notes from some long-lost needy significant other that it's laughable.

Does this approach really help sell these products more than being verified organic food or for what's inside the package? Hey, given the American public's unmistakable move toward making Idiocracy a documentary, it's quite possible. 

So would anyone be surprised to see the sappy notes on other products before long?

From a tag stuck on an organic refrigerator at a big-box store:
As the summer sun warms the outside of warehouses, so warms our souls as we hand-select only the finest organic steel, plastic and door hinges for the welcome addition that will allow you to keep your often overpriced perishables at the peak of freshness. We are particularly proud of the process that draws only the best organic freon that wants to play a part of your healthy lifestyle for your cooling needs. Enjoy!
On the outside of a shoe box:
One smoggy morning, I awoke with the urge to eat. But with nothing at home, the heartwarming hum of a fluorsecent factory beckoned. Instantly, we all demanded only the highest quality rich Corinthian leather lovingly crafted together in an all-natural fashion as quickly as my 8-year-old hands could move. It is in this spirit I offer this organic, free-range, functional and MVP-level footwear beyond compare for you to enjoy with family and friends. And if you could work a deal to let me get my birthday off, it will warm all our hearts.
On your next smartphone:
Do you like the sleek look and state-of-the-art speed of the next-level device that offers a wholesome way to keep in touch with loved ones as well as a convenient quick outlet to avoid all contact with strangers? That's the mission I hold deep in my heart as I lovingly select the best organic components in a fast-paced environment. I would be happy to do this for free, and if you looked at my last check, you'd agree. Please, bathe in the majesty of the all-natural bounty in your hands.
On a package of an all-new organic male enhancement product:
During a recent all-night orgy, the idea to find a healthy, all-natural way to rise to the occasion got us all thinking hard about how to help everyone reach their full potential. Without delay, we knew we had to embark on a cross-continental road trip, sampling the finest bounties this great land spread before us, even sample the tastes of Tijuana. The trip lasted far more than four hours and though we didn't consult a doctor, after much testing, support for the winner grew rapidly, swelling us all with enormous pride. It is with this spirit we are sure you'll agree you have secured and will enjoy the creme de la creme of enhancement products. Bon appetit!
[How to win at any buffet]
[Baby Across America Tour: Behind the music (and insanity)]
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